1. Arrive late.
It’s what a movie star would do after all – and the best way to achieve success is to model yourself on the successful people who’ve come before you. Agents and editors need to learn to respect ‘the talent’, and you’ve got plenty of it. As punctuality smacks at desperation, never pander to their schedules.
2. Tell them you’re on a mission from God!
In fact, let them know exactly what God said to you, word for word. How could they possibly deny you after that? Jake and Elwood Blues would be proud. If they aren’t convinced, drop hints that Satan might get involved.
3. Dress and act like one of your characters.
Editors and agents see a lot of people, so make sure they never forget you. The more eccentric you act, the better. In fact, take a replica of an item from your story into the pitch and show your expertise by delving into the item’s significance.
4. Tell them how much better you are than…
JK Rowling, Stephanie Meyer, Stieg Larsson or whoever else your story is derivative of. Preferably dump on those authors too, making sure you highlight exactly why they’re so crappy and why you’re so good. By making successful writers look bad you’ll come across as a genius.
5. Invite your friends along to act out a scene from your manuscript.
Make sure there’s plenty of action too – preferably involving real sword fights, firearms or explosions. Bonus points are awarded if you can claim to have made the explosives yourself.
6. Begin with the words…
“I would like to propose to you…” Editors and agents love word-play and will have never heard that one. Other great choices might include: “I know a good hitman…” and “I’ll consider having sex with you if…”
7. Preparation will make you sound dry and boring, so don’t do it.
Be spontaneous instead. Show them just how well you know your story by relating every single detail to them, and for additional kudos points or to get over the potential problem of nerves, have a few drinks before arriving – six or eight should do it.
8. Make sure they start reading straight away.
Print out your entire manuscript for them to take home, but tell them to start reading straight away – you’ll wait. That way you’re sure to hook them and you can start counting your millions almost immediately. As they get engrossed in your story the brilliance of your prose will also make them forget about any other pitches that day, effectively eliminating your competition.
9. Threats are a little old-school, but still effective.
They’ve worked for the Mafia for generations after all, so why shouldn’t they work for you too? Get creative and scare the crap out of them so they’ll sign you up on the spot. For best results bring along a body-builder friend in a dark suit and sunnies.
10. Lecture them about their industry.
You need to prove you know more about it than they do. In fact, tell them you could easily do their job if you just had more time, but you’re being generous by giving them the work instead. Make sure they know just how lucky they are.
Do you have a tip worthy of the list? Let me know by posting it in the comments.
If you’re after some ‘more serious’ articles on writing, check out The Craft.
Lol. That’s the not to do list, right? I’m wondering.
Depends on what you’re trying to achieve!
Tell them how much your mum loves your writing and how she thinks you are a genius. They will be impressed for sure.
Already got that pegged for the Cretin’s Guide to Query Letter Writing. 🙂
Present them with a marketing campaign that they’ll have to put into action if you select them to represent you. Ensure it includes helicopters flying banners around Sydney on NYE advertising your book; getting Usher to sing a song about your protagonist; and an endorsement on the front cover from the Queen (either the royal one or Oprah will do). 😉
Love it! Might even ‘borrow’ some for future guides. 😉
Make eye contact and do not give it up. After a brief but uncomfortable theatrical silence, give a flourish with your hand as if opening a window to a fantastic world, then utter the words
“Imagine, if you will…. ” (insert your specific story description here).
e.g.
“Imagine, if you will, a short, friendly humanlike creature, living in a burrow, who happens to be in possession of a powerful yet dangerous ring…”
ROTFL! Brilliant!