1. Don’t hold back.

Bruce Lee taught martial arts and he was the best at what he did. Words, however, are your weapons, so verbally abuse your competitors with cutting cynicism and bludgeoning sarcasm via book reviews and online critique groups until they quit in despair.

2. Get an agent.

Why? Instant street cred – they look great on your side at writer-type parties and book launches. Avoid marrying them though – marriages never end well and you don’t want to risk children as nappy fumes suffocate creativity.

3. Practice, practice, practice.

The best way to practice, of course, is to teach what you know, so grab yourself a bunch of two-year-olds and go for it. It’s probably best to ask their parents for permission first – parents get a bit antsy when their children disappear from day care centres without notice.

4. Master character development.

The more flaws you find in your friends, the better you’ll get at depicting character. Pick on their looks, hair, physical shape, attitude, intelligence, and anything else that seems appropriate. Hopefully you’ll master character development before your friends master Bruce Lee’s teachings.

5. Read everything.

Use the internet for inspiration – the net has plenty of thinly-disguised D&D adventure stories, authoritarian scrawlings and self-delusional family histories to draw from. Declare your brilliance by showing up all the amateurs via comments on their blog postings.

6. Find a mentor.

Someone supportive, but avoid successful author as they’ll eventually resent your brilliance. Your mother, however, has been putting up with you for ever. Start with her (and she knows how to cook your favourite meal, too).

7. Join a writers’ group.

Every group needs a leader, right? Any writers’ centre should be able to point you at a bunch of feeble-minded cretins waiting to follow a dynamic, brilliant, creative, God-like being such as yourself, all of them willing pawns in your Game of Publishers. Walk in, crack a whip, and tell them who’s boss. That’ll end well.

8. Study the greats.

Pull out all your school essays and assignments for a quick lesson in awesomeness. Why bother looking anywhere but at your own writing?

9. Get all the right tools.

You know – a ghost writer. Why put all that effort in when someone else can do the dull stuff for you? Relax on a beach sipping pina coladas while someone oils your back while writing your masterpiece.

10. Get inspired.

Alcohol works best – and it’s legal. You’ll be surprised at your own genius when you proofread with half a bottle of vodka pickling your brain – typos, continuity errors and illogical character decisions will all become a joy to behold.

Thanks for taking at look at my latest Cretin’s Guide. If you have some additions, please post them in the comments!

 

Otherwise, might also like the Top 10 ways to Successfully Pitch to an Agent or Editor – The Cretin’s Guide, or if you’re in the mood for some epic fantasy, I’ve just posted the first few chapters of my epic fantasy Prophecy of Power: Quarry.